Marriage and Meditation...some ramblings

It has been a long time...
Not only for this blog, but also for the meditation. It has been more than 6 months...

In the meantime I got married! That was a beautiful experience,

...bundled with some stress. Not between me and my husband, but more because some people were making a fuss about their role in the wedding and also the expectations I had of some people myself, which did not correspond with reality. I guess weddings always enlarge emotions and feelings people have towards eachother.

Dont get me wrong though, we had a great time and lots of fun with our friends and family. And even though I did not think it could get any better than it already was, the marriage really did enlarge the love and understanding between me and my husband!!

The dissapointment I felt because of some people's behaviour towards the wedding has been an issue in my mind lately. It is as much (or maybe more) my problem as theirs of course. I still dont know what my attitude should be now towards these people. I will figure it out.

I believe Buddhism as some answers on this for me and sitting even more.

So, about my contradictory relationship with meditation;

Meditating is like medicine to me. I should take it, but I don't want to. It is soothing, but hard at the same time and I dont have enough backbone.

I am being hard on myself here I know. But it is true though. My biggest problems is not wanting to miss out on anything and doubting myself at the same time, and not taking action!

I am a bouncing ball most of the time on the inside and I don't allow myself to step back and take a rest.

Meditation is like a medicine and I need it to live a healthier life. I really need to sit down at least once a day and take a look at what is going on inside me and most importantly...letting go!

Every time I do meditate it feels like a little weight has come off my shoulders and take myself less seriously. Time seems to become more stretched and I feel I have more time to do things. It relaxes for real! Still I have trouble to get my behind on the pillow and just do it!

But hee, today I sat again. I had enough of my own whining and just pulled it together... ;)

I understand why there are people who say that sitting is Zen. Sitting is all there is to it. Therein lie all the teachings, in the just-sitting-down-and-breathing.

While I am sitting all kinds of thoughts come by and they point out to me what the subjects are that are important for me at that moment. By counting my breath I can let them go. Mostly the first ten minutes go great, but then my body starts asking attention.

Today I focused on not giving in to my pains, or my leg sleeping. It was hard.

While I was struggling to focus on my breath the timer went off. Normally I am happy it goes off, but now I wanted to continue to see if I could let the aches in my body go.

I will just start from scratch next time.

Someone in meditation class said once that meditation for him was like putting up a wet finger to find out from which direction the wind was blowing.

You get an idea of how you are doing at that moment. Like I said, I should do that more often to gain a clearer mind and to find the strength to take action on things in my life.

Hope this message find you all safe and sound!

Take Care,

Francisca.

p.s. Thanks for the comments people gave me in the last few months. Sorry I havent responded yet...that is one of those things that call for action which I am working on!! XX

Oh,

...and I also created this for a t-shirt design:

I came up with that expression myself some months ago as a quote for this weblog. It sounds very zennish to me ;)
I created the image with a photoshop brush 'Ploop26' made and can be downloaded on the Deviant Art website... thanks for that!

Me, ...

I create my own unrest.

How to deal with "Garbage Trucks"

Someone posted the story below on a forum. Although it is about something we all know already it may be helpful to read about this again. It has become pretty essential for me at the moment as Í am dealing with people who are trying to dump there "stuff" on me. So, I just smile and wave....

"A couple of years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New
York City taxi cab. Here's what happened. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, A black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches!
The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck". Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did. I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: At work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore." I began to see garbage trucks. Like in the movie "The Sixth Sense," the little boy said, "I see dead people." Well, now "I see Garbage Trucks." I see the load they're carrying. I see them coming to drop it off. And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on."

I have found this hard to apply as while I am really working on positivity, people who are close to me are trying to get me down with their negativity. But it helps to sit and just let it slide off.

Goodluck with avoiding the Garbage Trucks, and just don't be one yourself ;)

Take Care, Francisca.

"It's Ok, It's Okeeheehee.......you dont have to run and hide away...."

Yep, I sat down today...I just did it. After brushing my teeth I thought "ah what the hell, lets give it a go". It was over and done with without any pain. I have slaughtered the monster under my meditation pillow and just sat. Well, it might be a struggle every time to slay the monster, but at least I won this one!!

Jordan wrote me a comment on my last post which I found quite helpful to understand the issue that I am dealing with...the monster under my meditation pillow. His words:

"Francisca,

Strangely, your post reminds me of quitting smoking. I would make all kinds of excuses not to. I still have smokes left, I have a nice Zippo lighter, and other people are smoking, I only smoke to be social, it is the only way for me to step out of the office for some fresh air, excuses ad nausea. Finally I realized it was just the right thing to do and dropped it. Can you identify your resistance to just sitting? Maybe if you labeled all of those things then it would be easier to let them go, then get on with what you know needs to be done.Just some random thoughts. "

That comment touched the sore spot for me. It DOES feel like quitting smoking!!! Thank you Jordan!
In the last weeks I have been pondering over this and wondered what it was that bothered me so much with zazen. I believe it has much to do with me loving my busy brain. I love being all over the place, high on this jumpy energy.

So I will come clean right here and now: Hi my name is Francisca and I AM ADDICTED TO MY BOUNCING-ALL-OVER-THE-PLACE THOUGHTS ! Or in short: I AM ADDICTED TO STRESS!

And that big fat Monster under my sitting-pillow is called "FEAR OF LETTING GO":

- Fear of running into all sorts of emotions that I have been neatly piling up in a corner of my mind and that might somehow bubble upwards during zazen.

- Fear of letting go that high energy that keeps me going for more.

- Fear that I will become satisfied with just being relaxed and at ease with the life I am living right now (While I am absolutely not satisfied with some parts of my life and feel I need to do something about it... but I haven't figured what exactly).

- Fear of not understanding (I want to be a wise old lady when I grow up and not have to tell grandchildren: well there is no right and there is no wrong. There is nothing and there is everything....WTF??!!).

And there are probably many more types of fear to add to my list.

Now I heard a "wise" man say to someone: "if you want to stop, just stop!" So there you have it. I am going cold turkey! No more fear, no more stress, no more jumpy bouncy thoughts!

...I am exaggerating here a bit, of course. You cant stop thinking. But I can start sitting. And so I will restart my zazen; every day at least once. And take it from there...

So, I sat down today and through my heap of thoughts a song came through. It was sung by Eddie Vedder as an addition to a song during a Pearl Jam concert. The lyrics kept returning during my meditation, even though I tried to ignore it wholeheartedly. But Ed wouldn't let me of the hook. He kept singing: "It's Ok, It's Okeeeheehee, you dont have to run and hide away! It's Ok, It's Okeeeheeheeeheee....."
Well, if Ed says so, then it must be so... ;)

I will keep that song ringing in my head for a while as it is pleasant and feels comforting. It is also a standard I want to live by; everything is OK!

It may just be the weapon I need to defeat that monster again when I sit next time.

Thanks for being here!

Lots of love, Francisca